My Baby's Father
by alexywill22
Summary: Spike? Having a baby? but vampires can't have children! that's impossible, insane, and... sadly has been done! Read and review!
1. Chapter The First Not The Evil One

A/N: I finally decided to touch the oh so annoying subject of vampire offspring! Also is been a while since I did a Buffy fic! i miss my Scooby gang! I know that buffy/Spike preggers have been done to death (I read 4 fics about it) but I just needed to give it a go myself! Hope you like it, cuase is a series! oooh!

Disclaimer: I don't own Buffy The Vampire Slayer, cause if I did Season 6 would've not giving me a headache, but sadly it did.

Timeline: Season 6, cuase is the only season where something this stupid could happen. Before "Hell's Bells" cause i like my Xander/Anya and Season 6 Andrew was not worhty of Xander.

A/N: This is all mostly set up, so bare with me!

* * *

Title: My Baby's Father.

Chapter The First. Not the evil one.

* * *

Spike skipped happily, in a very non-Spike way, through the cemetery gate, heading for his crypt. Tonight the slayer was coming over for a nice 7-hour marathon of sex. 'Eat your heart out, Peaches' Spike thought as he opened his Crypt door.

"Time to set the mood." He said to himself as he proceeded to place the cheesy candles and rose petals around his bed. Just like he used to for Ang-Dru! He meant Dru.

In one swift move he removed his clothes and spread on the bed, the pillows strategically covering Spike jr. How he loved shagging the slayer rotten. He sat there with his big grin, waiting for his Buffy.

* * *

Buffy walked in her house and in a quick, but really slow for a slayer, way she headed up the stairs. She had gone to the drug store right after her shift at the Double Meat Palace was over. She only wished she hadn't run into Clem there.

"Hey Buffy." The demon had greeted her when he bumped into her in the aisle. "What are you doing by the pregnancy tests?"

"Oh, I'm just...um I must be confuse. I was looking for toothpaste." Buffy lamely covered.

"Oh. I'm just here buying shampoo, see?" The demon, who didn't have any visible hair, said as he waved the shampoo in his claw-like hand.

After twenty minutes of talking about kittens and how good they are, Clem left and Buffy bought the test. She hoped she was just being paranoid. Vampires just can't have children. Is impossible. And lame. Very lame. VERY.

Buffy got to the bathroom but founded occupied. "Who's in there?" She said while banging the door. She then notice smoke coming from inside. "Willow? You better not be doing magic! You are addicted! Like addicts! Cause magic is bad!" Buffy said after-school-special-y.

"Don't worry." Willow said as she came out, in a non-gay way. She just walked out of the bathroom. "I was only using the tub for bong water. Is not magic." She clarified.

"Oh thank god." Buffy sighed and then completely ignored her best friend, who clearly had issues and locked herself in the bathroom.

Buffy patiently followed the instruction on the box and waited for the results. A shrieking sound on the other side interrupted her waiting. "Get out, Get out GET OOOOOOOOUUUUUUTT!" Dawn screeched. "I need to pee! Now!"

"Dawn! I'm busy, could you please wait a few minutes?" Buffy yelled.

"Whatever. Is not like you're really here, anyway!" Dawn said in her patented I'm-a-teenager-and-therefor-I-have-to-be-annoying-and-petulant-towards-everyone-around-me voice as she stalked to her crazy-monk-made-up room and slammed the door.

Buffy checked her stylish, yet affordable watch again. The time was up. She cautiously walked to the small stick and picked it up. Her eyes widen and her pulse started to race. Buffy The Vampire Slayer was pregnant.

* * *

Spike waited for three hours before deciding to go out. After pulling on his black jeans, black T-shirt, black boots and black leather coat, he stalked his way around Sunnydale. He headed straight to the Magic Box to see what he could steal to spice his blood up.

He entered through the backdoor and headed to the supply room. Waving at the mummy hand as he came in, he headed for the stack of spices. Spike's nicking spree was interrupted by Xander, who was coming in. "Well, if it isn't dead boy jr.! Is captain peroxide stealing from us again? Is this all that Billy Idol wannabe has been reduced to?" Xander spat as he walked over.

"Why can't you call by my name, you sodding wanker? And I'll have you bloody know Billy Idol stole his look-"

"Why are you not around anymore?" Xander whined. "You're the only male that I hung out with since Giles left and you hardly spend time with me anymore. Is like you forgot about me."

"Is that right?" Spike arched his eyebrow in that sexy, devilish, handsome, dangerous and millions of other type of descriptions sort of way he had. "I'm been busy."

"Well I missed you..."

"Me too..."

"Xander!" Anya shouted as she stormed in. Her blonde hair flowing behind her. "I just finished counting money so I'm horny, can you come upstairs so you can give me orgasms?" She said motioning Xander up the stairs.

"Ok." Xander looked back at Spike. "We'll talk later."

Spike nodded as he watched the young horny couple leave. After filling his coat with many items like Dawn had showed him to, Spike headed up the stairs. He found Willow franticly stroking a candle in her hand in a non-gay way. "You ok, Red?" he asked as he walked over.

"Huh?" Willow dropped the candle. "I wasn't-I mean, I didn't-I'm spell free! I'm beating this! Honest! I'm not even writing Harry Potter fics anymore!"

"Right." Awkward beat. "Have you seen the slayer?" Spike asked, keeping his cool I-don't-give-a-damn-what-you-say- demeanor.

"Oh." Willow calm down. She took a swig of the 6 gallons of water she always had with her and answered Spike. "She's at her doctor."

The cool demeanor was dropped and William the whipped showed his love-stalker face. "Is she alright? She's not hurt, is she?"

Willow didn't notice Spike concern look since her eyes were stuck in some crystal balls. They were calling to her. One little spell. Only one. Just... one... spell.

"Well?" Spike asked again, snapping Willow out of it.

"Oh, she didn't say."

Spike tilted his head in that way he did whenever he needed to express confusion, or anger, or lust, or love, or comprehension, or hunger, or sickness. He quickly stalked out of the shop and headed to the Summers household.

To be continued...


	2. Chapter Dues Ex Machine Freaking Magic S

A/N: Review dealing time:

Angel sumoritos: Ty Ty Ty, what exactly is wrong, glad you love it!

Paige Halliwell: Ty and I read those other fics in different sites but I don't remember where.

sarah01: Glad you like it , and I only said willow did things in a non gay way cause when sdhe came out, it was from the bathroom and when she was stroking the candle (a penis shape object) it wasn't sexual cuase she's GAY NOW! and doesn't like men.

review or bitch whatever.

* * *

Title: My Baby's Father.

Chapter Dues Ex Machine Freaking Magic Snow.

* * *

Dawn flounced in the living and fell on the couch. She rolled her eyes and screamed: "Get out, Get out GET OOOOOOOOUUUUUUTT!" She smiled as she waited for someone to come and pay attention to her. She of course forgot she was left alone. She frowned and called again. "Get out, Get out GET OOOOOOOOUUUUUUTT!"

Spike opened the door and looked around franticly for Buffy. If the dumb-ass would've use his vampire smelling, he would've found out Buffy was not there. But we all know Spike wasn't thinking with his brain, but with another organ. His heart, you perverts!

"Little bit." Spike noticed the figment-of-the-monks-imagination. "Do you know where big sis went?"

"Is always Buffy, Buffy, Buffy with you. Here's me basking in love." Dawn scowled for no reason.

"Right." Spike backed away. "See you." He quickly left.

Dawn pouted. She decided to go out at night in a town where girls her age die on a daily basis. You know, cause she's dumb.

* * *

"Hey, Willow." Xander greeted as he walked out of the bathroom and sat with his friend at the research table. Willow, of course, was breathing heavily and taking swigs of water to battle her addiction to magick. "I see you're doing better." Xander said proving that his sense of the obvious had left the building a season or two back.

Anya stepped out of the bathroom, straightening her skirt and pulling her brown locks into a nice bum. "Well now that I'm satisfied I'll go do some inventory." She said skipping to the backroom.

The annoying little bell jingled as the shop door opened. Xander and Willow turned around to see Clem come in with a big grin as always. "Hey Guys." Clem greeted. "I just came to buy some candles. Hot date tonight."

"Oh really? With who?" Xander asked scarfing down a bag of Doritos that just appeared out of nowhere.

"Sophie."

Pause.

"Who?"

"You know, at Buffy's party. The one who wasn't you, or me, or Willow, or Anya, or Dawn, or Tara, or Buffy, or Spike." Clem explained.

"Oh the guy in the red shirt!" Willow perked up. "You're Gay, Clem! Just like me!" Willow said handing Clem her 'Gay Now' wristbands.

"No, the girl."

"Oh. Ok then." Willow sat back down and gulped down 6 more gallons of water.

Clem picked some slug candles and took them to the register. Anya walked back out, her red curls bouncing as she skip to behind the counter. "That'll be 10. 85." She said smiling.

"Here." Clem paid, smiling back. "Oh by the way, why was Buffy buying toothpaste so late?" He inquired.

"She was?" Willow puzzled. "But I bought plenty of toothpaste on my last water run."

"Well she was hanging by the pregnancy test..." The girls went quiet, realizing what that could mean. Xander decided to ask.

"Why would Buffy be by pregnancy tests?"

Everyone took turns slapping Xander.

* * *

Tara sat in her dorm-room reading a book titled: 'How to get your name on the opening credits'. Suddenly the door was kicked down and Buffy walked in. "Buffy? Hi." Tara said sweetly.

"Hi. I... I'm kind of in trouble."

"W-w-what is it?" Tara asked in her mother tone.

"I'm... I'm..." Buffy stared at Tara with her big hazel eyes. Bringing in those Emmy-award-winning-tears, that would not ruin her Maybelin Mascara. "I'm pregnant."

"Y-y-y-y-you're what?" Tara said in her most non-confrontational way. "F-f-from S-s-s-pike?"

"Yes. I know it sounds crazy. But he's the only one that I've been with. On his bed. In abandon buildings. At the Bronze. At the Magic Box research table. In your bed when you're in class." Tara jumped up and made a mental note to burn the mattress. "I thought vampires couldn't have children!" Buffy sighed. "That stupid Angel must've lied to me. I'm so piss at him right now."

"M-maybe we should research it." Tara offered.

Buffy panicked. "But... them I would have to tell them... that I've been having sex with Spike. On every cemetery. In my front porch. At the mall last week. At-"

"I get it Buffy!" Tara screamed forgetting her character. "That is, I mean, I'm s-s-sure they'll understand."

* * *

Dawn walked down the street and saw a really, really dark corner. She flounced her way in, her shiny hair lighting a trail behind her. She crept in the shadow-y corner. "Hello?" She asked making sure anything dangerous would see that she was there alone.

"Hello." A mysterious voice mysteriously said from the shadows.

"Hi. Will you pay attention to me?" Dawn asked pouting.

"Something like that."

* * *

Spike sat at the curb on the street. He moped and moped some more. Where was Buffy? Was she ok?

"Spike." Spike looked up too see a dark, brooding, puffy and dork-y figure looming.

"Oh bloody hell."

To be continued...


	3. Chapter Trio Of Arch Nemesis

A/N: Ty for your reviews, sorry for the wait... that's it! tootles! Oh and I'm accepting unsign reviews so you have no excuses to not review the hell out of this!

* * *

Title: My Baby's Father.

Chapter Trio Of Arch-Nemesis:

* * *

Angel stood there, looming over Spike for a few minutes. Suddenly he collapsed on the ground and made a constipated face. "Connor... " He delivered with maximum angst. Spike looked at him oddly, eyebrow raised.

"What the bloody hell has gotten into you?"

"Oh sorry." Angel stood back up and dusted his coat. "Habit." He explained.

"Right, then." Spike stood up as well. "So what brings tall dark and forehead here?"

Angel sighed broody-like. "Well since Cordelia decided dump me for a Pylean prince I decided to fix things up with Buffy." Spike spat his soda on Angel. (I know I never mentioned it, but I always find that bit funny. Yes, you don't want me laughing when I'm drinking around.) Angel brooded over this.

"So you think you can just pop in here and sweep the slayer off here feet? Bloody 'ELL!" Spike ranted.

"I know you're sleeping with her." Angel said brooding.

"That's DAMN right!" Spike spat. Literally. "And she's very satisfied!" He added.

"And where is she now?"

Pause.

"That's what I thought." Angel brooded and walked away.

* * *

"Hmm, this is the life." Giles said to himself as he sat in his comfy chair of his spacious London apartment. He stretched his arms and sighed. No whining young people flaunting their sex lives in front of him. This was true bliss. He hoped nothing crazy would happen in the Hellmouth that would make him have to leave this precious existence. Well if would have to be something big. And very crazy. Like vampire having kids or something. But that's just silly. And incredibly inconsistent. He relaxed a bit and took a nice nap.

* * *

Anya ran her hand through her platinum hair as she sat by the research table. Willow and Xander were too shock to speak. Clem smiled even though he was shocked too. But he's always smiling. So he didn't stop. Willow decided to start. "Well if she is pregnant... who's the father? I mean, has she even dated since she came back? I haven't noticed since I'm Gay Now!"

No one understood what that had to do with anything. Xander decided to jump in. "Maybe she slept with Riley. You know, when he came here."

"Don't be silly." Anya quickly dismissed. "Riley was even lamer than when he first was here. No woman or man or any alive, dead or undead would willingly sleep with him." Everyone nodded agreeing.

"What about Sam?" Xander asked as he finished his family size pizza.

"Oh she's clearly on drugs." Anya said with a smile. At the mention of the word 'drug' Willow breathed heavily and shook slightly.

"Wasn't Buffy seeing Spike?" All eyes fell on Clem.

"What are you talking about?" Anya asked curious.

"Well they've been together for some time now."

"Together doing what?" Xander asked out-of-the-loop-y.

"Having sex." Anya said perkily. "I knew they were getting it on!"

"What?" Willow half chuckled. "That's crazy... right?"

"Of course is crazy!" Xander yelled. "Spike EVIL!"

"Yeah... but..." Anya started. "But have you seen his tight, hot, bend-y looking body?"

"Yeah..." Willow, Clem and Xander answered dreamily. Willow shook the thought off as she was Gay Now, and therefor did not care for men. Xander shook the thought cause he love-I mean, loathes Spike. Clem... no he kept picturing the naked vamp.

The little bell jingled and Buffy and Tara waltz in. Willow stood up. "Stop dancing with Tara! I'm the one that's Gay Now and love my hot gay loving!"

"Oh sorry." Buffy said as she let go of Tara. "We ran into Sweet on the way here." Buffy then noticed Clem in the room. "Clem! What are you doing? And here?"

"Hi Buffy." Clem said with a smile. I so want whatever his using to keep that happy mood. It seems to last long.

"Clem was telling us about how you and Spike have been having sex." Anya told in her most tactless way. Buffy went completely red.

"Like Bunnies." Clem added. Anya frown and slapped Clem. Clem smiled back.

"Thanks for those nightmares!" Anya screamed as she ran to the backroom. Her black pigtails following behind. Xander followed her, not wanting to hear about Buffy sleeping with an undead guy again.

"So... are you pregnant?" Willow asked while drinking a bottle of Evian. Yes is nice to count on Envian when you're battling your addiction magick. Who cares if Buffy is working in a crappy job to pay for stuff while Willow just gulps down expensive water and sleep on the main bedroom?

"I'm... I'm..."

"Buffy!" Buffy turned around to see non other than than... a very dork-y looking man. Oh wait! It's Angel.

"Angel..." Buffy said soulfully.

"Buffy..." Angel said soulfully.

"You lying, stupid son of a bitch!" Buffy jumped on Angel and started to beat the shit out him. Willow, Tara and Clem stood there looking for a bit.

"Hi Tara." Willow greeted smiling.

"Hi." Tara greeted back blushing.

"You lied to me bitch!" Buffy delivered another punched. "Vamps can have children!"

"So you know?" Angel asked after Buffy punched him.

"Of course I know!" Buffy said kicking Angel with her stylish yet affordable boot.

"Who told you about my son?"

Pause.

"That's not what you were talking about right?" Angel asked as he saw everyone staring at him.

To be continued...


	4. Chapter 4EVA!

A/N: Ok, I'm like updating really slooooooooooww, but I try to speed myself up, so give me time, woo! Also, I have no Buffyverse title with a 6, so if someone can suggest one if would rock, ty and bye!

* * *

Title: My Baby's Father.

Chapter 4-EVA!

* * *

Dawn was tied o a chair in some evil lair... nah, she was at the Bronze. "What? Does the owner rent this place to the demon of the week?" Dawn muttered.

"Actually he does." The Mysterious voice mysteriously said from a shadow-y corner.

"Oh. Well ok." Dawn smiled. Then she remembered she was tied to a chair by a demon. "BUFFYYYYYYYYYYYY!" She screeched.

"MY EARS!"

"You have ears?" Dawn wondered. "Who are you?"

The figure walked out of the shadow to reveal he was non other than Ethan Rayne. "I'm a friend."

"Hey, aren't you that guy from those pictures I found on Giles..." Dawn suddenly went quiet. "Oh never mind." Ethan smiled remembering his demon orgy parties with Ripper.

* * *

"You have a son!" Buffy said slapping Angel.

"Ow." Angel rubbed his face. "And yes, I do."

"Whoa! Vampires can have children?" Willow's big brain suddenly started to work again. "But... vampires are dead bodies. I mean the thought of them even having sex is something that just leads to many questions, since they don't have any blood pumping through their veins and therefor, in theory, they wouldn't have sperm-"

"Buffy!" Spike screamed as he stormed in the room.

"Spike..." Buffy blushed as Spike walked in.

"As I was saying, I do have a son, but he's gone." Angel fell on the floor again and made that face. "Connor..." Everyone stared.

"Um... right." Buffy rolled her eyes. Why? Cause that's what she did.

"Ok, why don't we focus on Buffy's baby first?" Clem offered smiling. The emotionally fragile vampires fainted.

* * *

"So like, what are you doing here?" Dawn asked so Ethan would get close enough so she could steal his wallet.

"Causing chaos as usual." Ethan said not noticing his wallet slipping out of his pocket as he had his back turned.

"Oh that's nice." Dawn, counted the twenties with her tied up hands. "Wait! What does that have to do with me?"

"You're the key, aren't you?"

"No. I'm real! Get out, Get out GET OOOOOOOOUUUUUUTT!"

"Would you stop with that annoying screeching!"

"Sorry. Force a habit." Dawn pouted her cute little pout.

Ethan walked over to the pool table where his minions, Harmony, Oz, and two nameless and permanently vamp faced vamps, stood. "The plan is simple. Me and my minions will go through a very complicated plot that will take months of pacing around before we actually do anything-"

"Oz?" Dawn interrupted. "You're and evil minion guy?"

"Yes." Oz monotoned.

"Why?"

"Money."

"Is that all?"

"No."

"What else?"

"Sex."

"Oh. Ew. That's gross. I'm 15, people!"

"As I was saying-"

"Like, why don't we just attack Buffy?" Harmony interrupted Ethan.

"Cause is not bloody time!" Ethan snapped.

"Oh."

"You guys are very lame, but way better than the Trio." Dawn said while somehow stealing the drum sticks by the instruments.

* * *

"Well this is new." Willow said shaking slightly cause she was addictive. Like addicts. To magic. Magick, it's not just a metaphor anymore.

"Why do they get to pass out? I'm the one who's pregnant with Spike's child of the damn."

"M-maybe we should -t-try waking them up." Tara offered.

"What... what happened?" Angel asked standing up.

"You fainted like the wussy man you turned into." Buffy said punching a shelf.

"Hey that's wasting money!" Anya screamed as she and Xander walked back in.

"Why is Spike passed out on the floor?" Xander asked as he almost tripped on his sexy body.

"He doesn't want to take responsibility for his actions." Buffy said while kicking Spike.

"Looks like the hormones are kicking in." Anya said cleaning up the expensive mess the slayer's made.

"Well, if Spike doesn't want to be a man." Angel started as he kneeled down.

"Oh my Goddess." Tara shook her head at what Angel was about to lamely do.

"Will you marry me Buffy?"

To be continued...


	5. Chapter Five by Five

A/N: Woo, another one done! oh and Sarah, I am reading your fic, isa just my time has been a little compromise but expect a review soon!

* * *

Title: My Baby's Father.

Chapter Five by Five:

* * *

"Well...?" Angel asked, his constipated face on. 

"Angel..." Buffy started. "This is all so sudden."

"Not to mention lame." Tara pointed out. Everyone looked at her. "I mean... W-what's your answer B-Buffy?"

"I... accept!"

"Hey in the what now?" Xander was baffled. "You can't marry Dead Boy! Hello? He gets it on with you and goes all evil and kills people!"

"Plus, he's gone puffy." Buffy realized. "Yeah, I'm not marrying you."

"But I have money!" Angel said, getting the hundred dollar bills in from his pocket.

"Money!" Anya moaned in pleasure. She regained herself and quickly took the bills from Angel grasp. She counted it instantly. "Wow, there's like 60000 $ here!"

"Where did you get all this money?" Buffy asked, remembering she was in debt.

"Well, when I had my son I decided to save for college and stuff, but now that he's..." Angel collapse again. It was getting quiet annoying. "Connor..."

"We get it, you ass." Tara backboned. Everyone glared. Amber rolled her eyes. "I-I mean, this is s-so sad for him."

"Buffy." Willow whispered. "With that money we could afford more water."

"And more shoes!" Buffy perkily added.

"So, Angel, are you single?"

"Anya!" Xander scolded.

"What? I'm just trying to have a back up incase you decide to cowardly leave me at the alter or something." Anya explained.

"So what do you say Buffy?" Angel asked again after standing back up.

"Well I do have some bills to pay and the baby will probably cost money-"

"And Dawn needs a college education." Anya reminded.

"Dawn?" Buffy questioned.

"You're sister!" Tara added.

"Tara, don't be silly, I don't have... holy shit! Dawn!" Buffy looked around. "I thought someone was watching her!"

"Oh come on, Buff." Xander tried to calm down. "I'm sure she's fine."

* * *

"Please, please let me go!" Dawn screeched in that squeaky little voice she had. The type that made you just want to strangle her. Ethan started to bleed from his ears.

"You annoying little brat!" He screamed in pain. "Minions!" Oz, Harmony and the vampires walked in the room. Ethan turned to them. "It's time we get this show on the road."

"We're doing a play?" Harmony asked. Ethan hit her with a bat. She passed out.

"As I was saying, it's time to send Buffy a warning! Go on! Get her!" Oz and the minions headed out.

"Buffy will come for me." Dawn warned.

* * *

"I'm not going!" Buffy said putting her hands on her hips. 

"Buffy! We have to go rescue Dawn!" Tara, who clearly was the only person who actually cared about others in the room, told.

"Bloody hell..." Spike said standing back up. "What happened?"

"Angel asked Buffy to marry him." Willow told tactlessly, her addiction to magick getting to her.

"What the bloody hell?" Spike gave a torture look that exalted his sexy cheekbones.

"Spike." Buffy started. "Angel can provide for my child. You have no job and live in a crypt. And no matter how good the sex is, I mean REALLY good, I mean, seven-hour-bringing-buildings-to-the-ground-good, I have to finally think about someone other than me."

"But... Buffy..." Spike had his puppy dog eyes, that just made anyone melt. He lick his lips tentatively and... well Buffy's only human.

"Oh Spike!" Buffy said jumping on the vampire and loudly unzipping his pants. Everyone look uncomfortable. Well, to be honest, Anya watched and took notes to practice with Xander later. Clem had gotten some popcorn from... his ears, and was enjoying the show from the research table. Tara shook her head sadly and put another dollar in the Buffy won't have sex with the evil undead jar. by now they had enough money in there to pay for the repairs on the Summers house. Willow frown at the display of straight sex, since she was gay, and didn't know anything about those dangly things men had, so she was rightly confused. Cause she's gay. Get it? Willow's GAY NOW! Angel just looked at the sex having with a brood-y face. If he was man enough, he would've done something to stop it, instead of just watching Cordy screw his son... er, that hasn't happened yet... ignore it.

And Xander? Oh he passed out. The sight of his high school crush and his current crush going at it like animals on the floor was too much for his poor mind.

"Hey." A voice said taking everyone's attention from the sex. Everyone looked at the small man with red hair standing with two vampires at the door.

"Don't we know him?" Buffy questioned after getting... something out of her mouth.

"He seems vaguely familiar..." Xander remembered as he woke up.

Suddenly, it dawned, key-like, on Anya. "Oz?"

"Yes."

"Oh my Goddess!" Willow shook slightly, not just cause she was an addict. "Oz!"

To be continued...


End file.
